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By Mom Unplugged, May 15, 2007 11:24 pm

I have been tagged again by Jen of Never A Dull Moment. Thank you Jen! Actually, poor Jen tagged me about a month ago, but this post has been so painful to write that I have been doing it in small stages.

I am supposed to tell you all what seven songs get stuck in my head and repeat themselves mercilessly until I am on the very brink of insanity (at least closer than I usually am).

So… here it is. In order for you to truly feel my pain, I kindly provide links to all the songs if I could find them (or sometimes just excerpts). Click the names to hear them…if you dare!

1. Push It (by that oh so unforgettably talented group Salt ‘N Peppa) - This song represents for me 80′s college dorm-life-nightmare-hell. My senior year of college there were two charming young ladies down the hall who played this song over, and over, and over, and…well, you finish the sequence here! Once heard, never forgotten. No matter how much you hate it, you will never get it out of your brain!!! It has continued to haunt me in bizarre places my entire life. The weirdest was in India while careening pell-mell through Delhi in a rickety, tumble-down taxi, fearing for my life. What comes on the, unfortunately-for-me, functioning radio? Push It. All I could think was “Oh no, this is the last song I will ever hear before I die!”

2. Another One Bites The Dust (Queen) - This one brings back good memories of the high school marching band bus on the way home after beating a “big shot band” in a competition (we were very much the underdogs except for one astonishing and inexplicable year of extreme excellence). For this reason, I actually like the song, but something about that refrain “boom boom boom…another one bites the dust!” sticks with me like a MacDonald’s Big Mac.

3. This is my husband’s pick: Proud Mary (Creedence Clearwater) - While visiting a friend’s house the teen band next door was banging out Proud Mary, not very well. My husband made some comment about how it was a cool song and would be good once they “got” it. The friend, looking wild-eyed and aghast, said “No, you don’t understand, this is their [the teen band's] first and only song, they have been practicing it non-stop for two weeks!!!! I sympathize.

4. My sister has a story too. Picture a cross-country trip one hot summer in the 1970′s in an un-airconditioned car equipped with only an AM-radio: The Candy Man (Sammy Davis Jr.) and A Horse With No Name by America (Remember?? “I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name…”). Enough said.

5. I am stealing this one from Jen who already picked it, but no annoying song list could be complete without It’s A Small World. There is no way that I could possibly match Jen’s hilarious description of the song and the ride of the same name at Disney, so I will be lazy and tell you to go read her words (her #2)! By the way, If you are really into self torture, please click my link (be brave Jen - do it, you know you want to!!). It is an up-tempo, somewhat “polka-esque” version, featuring an electronic organ with a few other instruments thrown in at “witty” moments.

6. How about 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall? Apparently the modern, more politically correct version is 99 Bottles of Pop on the Wall. Whether about beer or pop, this song could certainly make any bus driver commit suicide. Fond high school band memories again. I mean the annoying song sung COMPLETELY 10 times in a row…not the dead bus driver.

7. My last selection may not be well-known in the US: Live is Life (Opus). I first had the good fortune to “experience” this song living abroad in France when it was broadcast full blast right outside my apartment window…over, and over, and over again for several days at some sort of loud market that was visiting. If you have never heard it, please click the link to hear the excerpt so that you may truly appreciate my misery. Some other unforgettables from my years in France are: Da Da Da (Trio) and I Eat Cannibals (Toto Coelo - Total Coelo in the US). Sorry - but the link to I Eat Cannibals is via Amazon and will require slightly more work on your part. Well worth it though since it is truly, mind numbingly awful!

Wow, what an emotional journey. No wonder it took me a month to write, I may never be the same again!

I tag Wishy of Wishy The Writer (as in Wishy, proud member of the local CSA while I, Mom Unplugged, am a proud member of the local Flaccid Celery Club (FCC)). I tag only Wishy, since she is the sole blogger that I know well enough to put through this kind of torment (any other volunteers out there?). Sorry Wishy, just consider it revenge for your CSA!

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By Mom Unplugged, May 9, 2007 9:40 pm

My best friend was just “accepted” by the local coop (the ONLY coop in our tiny, food-challenged community). She is on the A-List. I am on the W-List (as in the Wait-For-At-Least-Another-Year-Or-Two-Or-Maybe-When-Hell-Freezes-Over-List).

She will have fresh, locally grown vegetables, fruits, and herbs, even goat cheeses and salsas DELIVERED TO HER DOOR all summer long.

Meanwhile, I will be found scavenging the produce section at Safeway, digging through the bins in search of a flaccid celery, or wrestling fellow desperate Mom-shoppers for the only remaining semi-spongy zucchini or half-rotten avocado.

If I am not there, perhaps I am in a flirty sort of mood, and you might find me in the fruit aisle putting on my lipstick using a shinier-than-nature-ever-intended apple as a mirror. Ha!! I bet you can’t do that trick with your fancy COOP apples!

My “friend” called to inform me that tomorrow she will be receiving some freshly-picked organic Japanese Mustard Greens, lovingly hand-delivered by the farmer.

Well la-di-da! Who wants nasty old Japanese Mustard Greens anyway!! Give me pesticide and botulism-laden Iceberg Lettuce, or give me death. That is my motto!

(By the way…if you have any of those mustard greens left over that you are just going to compost anyway…could I have them…please???? …PRETTY PLEASE ?)Thanks to morguefile.com and photographer Scott Liddell (

www.scott.liddell.com) for this A-list quality photo!

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By Mom Unplugged, May 6, 2007 7:55 am

My sister has a cockatiel who rings like a telephone and then, putting his foot up to his ear (I am not making this up), says “Hello?”

Last night I was cooking dinner when I overheard my 6 year-old daughter, who was on the sofa with a book, saying “Now [4 year-old brother], I really need some alone time. You never let me have time for myself!” (I am not making this up either).

Gee, I wonder where she heard that? Do I say that kind of thing a lot? Probably. I like “alone time” and I don’t get much of it anymore. Does my sister talk on the phone a lot? Well, certainly enough for her cockatiel to have noticed!

The point is that children, like parrots, imitate what they hear. That is a scary realization. If I am being “less than mature” and pouty because I want “my alone time,” how can I be surprised when my children are “less than mature” and pouty because they want another story and it is 8PM on a school night.

My baby girl says “yeah” instead of yes. I guess I say “yeah” a lot instead of yes too. Among the first words of my two oldest was “actually,” used grammatically correctly. Actually, never until then, did I actually realize that I say “actually” a lot.

It is hard being a parent and having to set a perfect example 24 hours a day. Sometimes, I just want to pick my nose. There. I said it. Online, for the world to read. It is up to you to decide if I want to “literally” pick my nose (don’t worry, I won’t post photos), or figuratively pick my nose.

So…parents beware. Pick your nose in private only. And make sure that your most daring cuss word is “actually,” otherwise your child’s preschool teacher will have a good laugh!

Parrot photo thanks to morguefile.com and photographer lightfoot. Nose-picker photo thanks to morguefile.com and photographer David Kitchenham (www.photomime.co.uk).

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By Mom Unplugged, May 3, 2007 6:38 pm

I just received a really cool email that seems to be making the rounds. I usually delete most of these circulating emails, but this one is very clever!

If you are up for a little easy math, give it a try. If your kids are old enough to do this math, have them do the calculations.

Unless you are a mathematician and can easily see some obvious (to you!) formula involved, I guarantee you will be astonished!!

IMPORTANT: DON’T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST! I know, now that I have said this, everyone will WANT to scroll down, but it will diminish the surprise, so try and have a little will-power please!

It takes less than a minute.
Work this out as you read …
Be sure you don’t read the bottom until you’ve worked it out!

Here goes:

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat. (more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1757
If you haven’t, add 1756.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number

AND…….

The first digit of this was your original number
(ie. how many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week.)

The next two numbers are:

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

According to the email, this is the only year (2007) that it will ever work. Any math wizards out there who would care to comment / explain this?

UPDATE (May 5): SOLVED!!! By wizard whymommy of Toddler Planet! Thank you so much whymommy! Please see her comment to this post for the full explanation!

Thanks to morguefile.com and photographer Dave Wicks for this fun photo (visit his site: http://www.opticgroove.com).

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By Mom Unplugged, April 4, 2007 10:00 pm

Thirteen Ways You Know You Have No Life

1….You get really excited when you find magenta drier fluff in your drier’s filter instead of the usual grey variety.

2….You think it is fun watching the clothes get washed through the window of your front loading washer.

3….You have 8 cats, and enjoy writing about them.

4…You find it really thrilling to organize your kitchen junk drawer.

5…You take before and after photos of your kitchen junk drawer and publish them online (hmmm…maybe a post for me next week??)

6….You know which of your 8 cats produces which particular poop in your litter boxes (and you publish that online???).

7….You take pictures of your 4 year-old putting cheese goldfish crackers between his toes (the fact that your 4 year-old spends time doing this means that he has no life either…Aw! How cute! He takes after Mommy!!!).

8….You amuse yourself by making up “Separated At Birth” funnies with your animals (click here).

9….You have a very involved dream about scooping cat poop out of your litter boxes (the more you scoop, the more there is to scoop…Aaaghh!!!!)

10….The most exciting event of your week is finding a new color of mold on an old zucchini in your produce drawer (and you seriously consider publishing a photo online).

11…You write a Thursday Thirteen entitled “13 Ways You Know You Have No Life.”

12…You spend WAY too much time thinking about your blog.

13…In fact…you actually have a blog!